There was only one and we got there first! We didn't know there was a fucking' line for it. [ A fuckin' line for the fuckin' room. ] And I wasn't trying to be subtle!
[ Subtlety is not a skill that comes naturally to Husk at the best of days. He had no chance after Flins had gotten his blood up like that. ]
I'm not ashamed of shit!. I don't need your help, I was doing just fine. I sure didn't get any complai-
No. No. You are not gonna get me talking about this.
But there were closets. At times, one cannot be so picky. [The "fuckin' line" makes him snicker a bit, though.] Oh, believe me, we noticed that.
[Who is "we". Nope, he's not going to elaborate at all.]
Good, good! That is the first step! Too often, I find, people are ashamed of sex. I cannot understand it.
No complaints is also good. And, of course, I am not saying it was a poor performance! Only that it could be... enhanced, as it were. For example - you are not a young... [WTF are you again-] man. There are many positions better suited to someone who has passed their third decade, and can lead to a better experience for all.
...Yeah, you're about fifty years too late to ask me to go back into the closet, Zev.
[He can guess who "we" are. He could see all the "wes" who noticed. He wasn't subtle and Flins was even less so. ]
Yeah, no, I ain't a prude or nothing. [This is a man who will full on critique a porn for having a bad plot. A shrinking violet, he definitely is not. ]
I've already told you I'm not-
[ There's a long fucking pause. Because you know what, he does get a sore back these days and he really isn't as young as he used to be... ]
...If I listen to you about this, do you promise not to make it weird?
... I do not follow. Do you ... did you live in a closet, formerly?
[We are so sorry Husk, that joke would have killed if he was from modern times.]
No? You are certainly a great actor, in that case.
[The old man is acting like one, if you ask Zevran, which no one did. And then... then Husk relents and you can just hear the smug ass grin over the call.]
'Make it weird'? Never! Perish all thoughts of that. I only mean to offer suggestions! Help! Did you know, if you are preparing for a night of passion, there are many sorts of stretches one can do, to increase your enjoyment? And, of course, prevent the soreness of muscles later on.
What? No? ... Wait, fuck. I forgot you were from medieval times. [ That's on him. ] Being "in the closet" is a turn of phrase. Means you ain't open about your sexuality.
[ A fantastic joke, wasted!!! ]
The fuck are you talking about? I just don't like it when people make commentary on my sex life fucking unpromoted. That's normal.
[He can hear the smug grin. He can hear it. Is it too late to throw him? Probably not.
It's even more annoying that these are actually helpful suggestions. Ugh. ]
...Stretches, huh? What, like limbering up before a run or some shit?
Oh! I see. And then you... Hah! I get it now! You have been out of this shameful sexual closet for many years. Good for you! I suppose then, myself, I have never been in one to begin with...
[Antiva is Like That.]
In my country, no, it is not normal. We discuss it as one would the weather - as there is nothing wrong with sex!
[It's never too late to throw him.]
Precisely! Though you would be working different muscles, of course. And, it only works if you are anticipating sex. Spontaneous couplings are another matter.
Yeah, it's been a long fuckin' time. And no kidding? That's... well, I guess it's not as rare these days, but when I was younger it was definitely not talked about so much. Technically illegal too, for a long time.
[Antiva is like that. Husk grew up in Las Vegas, so he had it better than most, but it was still the 60s and 70s, and it was what it was. ]
No kidding? Is it like that all over the world where you're from? Or just your country?
[He's vaguely interested, okay!
...Yeah. Well. Husk can't say he doesn't do anything spontaneous after that little display that lead to this conversation. That would be a blatant lie. ]
Right. Duly noted. Guess that's something. I'll take that under advisement.
Illegal? Surely not. They - not even the most devout of Thedas dictates such! Frowned upon, certainly, perhaps discouraged as well, but not illegal.
[What the fuck Husk. What kind of awful world is this.]
Mm, it seems to only be dear Antiva that is so. Though, Rivain is much like it, I have heard. Those I have met from Ferelden, and Orlais are often speechless and sputtering, when I attempt normal conversations!
[Alistair and Wynne especially were scandalized. It was so sad.]
Excellent! Now then. Would you prefer I sent you the positions and stretches in photos? They may be more helpful than a spoken description, after all. And you can practice!
I have little desire to become depressed. [HAHAHAHAH.] However, it seems important to learn one's history, yes?
[And he's actually a bit curious to be honest.]
So it is. And, alas, instead of finding myself in a version of Antiva... I am here, where my innocent [BUDDY] commentary is seen as obscene.
... You. Assumed I would be modeling? My dear friend! I am flattered! But no. No, you would have to ask for a hands-on demonstration to see that. I have diagrams.
Most people don't - 'less there's something wrong with them. And yeah, that's how you learn from it.
[ There's the LONGEST FUCKING SIGH known to man. ]
Yeah, Zev, that's exactly what it is. Your innocent commentary.
[ ...Yeah he walked himself right into that one. ]
I don't fuckin' know! You sent Flins dick pics, so it ain't a massive stretch. And no, thank you, I'm politely declining the hands-on demonstration. Diagrams are fine.
I knew you would agree! That is why we are such very good friends.
[To be fair - Husk did call him "Zev". The friendly nickname.]
Ah, yes. The... strange lighthouse man. Considering his preferences, it is no wonder I did not inspire insane lust. [NO SHADE HUSK, just. You two are wildly different people.] Regardless! Yes, I shall send many diagrams, please. Peruse them as soon as you are able.
[There are absolutely friends. You can tell by the "Fuckass". And the Zev. Obviously. ]
He said you lacked "artistry". His words, not mine.
[Look, it's blatantly obvious that Flins tastes run weird, but Husk is still gonna take a moment to enjoy the fact he's apparently more desirable than a very attractive man half his age. He's allowed to have a little bit of fun with that!
Anyway those sure are some images being sent his way. He can't even drink while he's looking at them. He'll have to tackle this stone-cold sober. Fucking nightmare. ]
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wiseoldbartender) wrote2024-02-08 10:43 pm
 "un/finished")
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cawaii
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It is on the device, is it not?
[There is no escape.]
Oh no, no. You misunderstand! It is not I who need your help, sir, it is you who need mine. Badly, if I am not mistaken.
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[ He's going to continue this conversation, even if he can't shake the feeling he's going to DEEPLY regret it. ]
...The shit are you talking about, Zevran? I don't need anything, I'm doing great.
[ He had a fantastic night, actually!]
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Ah, but you could be doing better! Much more so, in fact.
I speak of your evening with the ah. Lantern fellow, of course. Everything went quiet so quickly! Surely that was not your intent!
1/3
Oh.
Yeah. Everyone and their mother saw that, huh? That was not subtle. Oops. ]
2/3
Wait.
He's digesting what Zevran is actually saying to him. ]
3/3
No! Absolutely not. We are not having this conversation.
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Do you think you were the only one who wanted a private room, my dearest of friends? And you were not subtle, even behind closed doors.
Come now! I am here to help! There is nothing to be ashamed of! You will never learn new, and useful, things if you do not talk about them!
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[ Subtlety is not a skill that comes naturally to Husk at the best of days. He had no chance after Flins had gotten his blood up like that. ]
I'm not ashamed of shit!. I don't need your help, I was doing just fine. I sure didn't get any complai-
No. No. You are not gonna get me talking about this.
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[Who is "we". Nope, he's not going to elaborate at all.]
Good, good! That is the first step! Too often, I find, people are ashamed of sex. I cannot understand it.
No complaints is also good. And, of course, I am not saying it was a poor performance! Only that it could be... enhanced, as it were. For example - you are not a young... [WTF are you again-] man. There are many positions better suited to someone who has passed their third decade, and can lead to a better experience for all.
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[He can guess who "we" are. He could see all the "wes" who noticed. He wasn't subtle and Flins was even less so. ]
Yeah, no, I ain't a prude or nothing. [This is a man who will full on critique a porn for having a bad plot. A shrinking violet, he definitely is not. ]
I've already told you I'm not-
[ There's a long fucking pause. Because you know what, he does get a sore back these days and he really isn't as young as he used to be... ]
...If I listen to you about this, do you promise not to make it weird?
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[We are so sorry Husk, that joke would have killed if he was from modern times.]
No? You are certainly a great actor, in that case.
[The old man is acting like one, if you ask Zevran, which no one did. And then... then Husk relents and you can just hear the smug ass grin over the call.]
'Make it weird'? Never! Perish all thoughts of that. I only mean to offer suggestions! Help! Did you know, if you are preparing for a night of passion, there are many sorts of stretches one can do, to increase your enjoyment? And, of course, prevent the soreness of muscles later on.
no subject
[ A fantastic joke, wasted!!! ]
The fuck are you talking about? I just don't like it when people make commentary on my sex life fucking unpromoted. That's normal.
[He can hear the smug grin. He can hear it. Is it too late to throw him? Probably not.
It's even more annoying that these are actually helpful suggestions. Ugh. ]
...Stretches, huh? What, like limbering up before a run or some shit?
no subject
[Antiva is Like That.]
In my country, no, it is not normal. We discuss it as one would the weather - as there is nothing wrong with sex!
[It's never too late to throw him.]
Precisely! Though you would be working different muscles, of course. And, it only works if you are anticipating sex. Spontaneous couplings are another matter.
no subject
[Antiva is like that. Husk grew up in Las Vegas, so he had it better than most, but it was still the 60s and 70s, and it was what it was. ]
No kidding? Is it like that all over the world where you're from? Or just your country?
[He's vaguely interested, okay!
...Yeah. Well. Husk can't say he doesn't do anything spontaneous after that little display that lead to this conversation. That would be a blatant lie. ]
Right. Duly noted. Guess that's something. I'll take that under advisement.
no subject
[What the fuck Husk. What kind of awful world is this.]
Mm, it seems to only be dear Antiva that is so. Though, Rivain is much like it, I have heard. Those I have met from Ferelden, and Orlais are often speechless and sputtering, when I attempt normal conversations!
[Alistair and Wynne especially were scandalized. It was so sad.]
Excellent! Now then. Would you prefer I sent you the positions and stretches in photos? They may be more helpful than a spoken description, after all. And you can practice!
no subject
[ Husk was a kid when Stonewall happened. It was a miserable time! ]
No kidding? Guess it's a little like Earth in that respect, then. Some places are a lot more chilled out about it than others.
[ Ugggggggggggggggggh. ]
Do you PROMISE you won't be naked in any of them?
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[And he's actually a bit curious to be honest.]
So it is. And, alas, instead of finding myself in a version of Antiva... I am here, where my innocent [BUDDY] commentary is seen as obscene.
... You. Assumed I would be modeling? My dear friend! I am flattered! But no. No, you would have to ask for a hands-on demonstration to see that. I have diagrams.
no subject
[ There's the LONGEST FUCKING SIGH known to man. ]
Yeah, Zev, that's exactly what it is. Your innocent commentary.
[ ...Yeah he walked himself right into that one. ]
I don't fuckin' know! You sent Flins dick pics, so it ain't a massive stretch. And no, thank you, I'm politely declining the hands-on demonstration. Diagrams are fine.
no subject
[He sighs too. For completely different reasons.]
I knew you would agree! That is why we are such very good friends.
[To be fair - Husk did call him "Zev". The friendly nickname.]
Ah, yes. The... strange lighthouse man. Considering his preferences, it is no wonder I did not inspire insane lust. [NO SHADE HUSK, just. You two are wildly different people.] Regardless! Yes, I shall send many diagrams, please. Peruse them as soon as you are able.
[Attachment: POSITIONSFORHUSK.pdf - size 5GB.]
no subject
[There are absolutely friends. You can tell by the "Fuckass". And the Zev. Obviously. ]
He said you lacked "artistry". His words, not mine.
[Look, it's blatantly obvious that Flins tastes run weird, but Husk is still gonna take a moment to enjoy the fact he's apparently more desirable than a very attractive man half his age. He's allowed to have a little bit of fun with that!
Anyway those sure are some images being sent his way. He can't even drink while he's looking at them. He'll have to tackle this stone-cold sober. Fucking nightmare. ]
...Thanks. I'll do that later.
no subject
[It's like if Oghren was a better bathed, cat demon. Who people actually want to sleep with (
Felsi aside)]He has not seen the real thing. [HUFF.] Not that he will, as he is clearly spoken for. And you do not strike me as the type to share...
[At least they're borderline medical diagrams and not... Pornhub. It could be so much worse, Husk.]
The sooner the better! One never knows when the urge will... rise.
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[That's what he is! Zevran is dead on the money, but Husk will eat sand before he says that so here they are.]
Damn fuckin' right I'm not. You're just gonna have to live in wonder.
[He can be thankful for this one (1) thing. The joke does make him laugh, though. ]
Yeah, yeah I'll keep that in mind, ya Nutjob.
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[Eat your sand old man.]
... Yes. Well. I will sit here, consumed in curiosity for the rest of the evening. How sad.
[Oh, but the joke was good. He wins something!]
You are welcome, my friend. Do enjoy yourself - everyone should be able to without unpleasantness.
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[No, he will not!!! ]
I'm sure you'll find someone else to send a dick pic to. Or you could just show that fella of yours, he'd probably appreciate it.
[ He saw the crash out, Zevran. Two can play Feeling Tennis, fucko. ]
Yeah yeah, thanks a lot.
no subject
[Now he's just teasing.]
[But - oh. Oh that's dirty. That's dirty and not even the fun way!! But fine, if they're playing that game...]
Oh, that he does. Quite frequently, in fact. As well as many other parts of me. Shall I regale you with our adventures? Perhaps you could take notes!
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